Falling Alone
by NightTreader
Summary: She wishes to return, knowing she cannot. Jonathan has treated her so well, shame will show. Thayet may never know what might have happened if she hadn't left Sarain for Tortal. She may not return but she can drift. Drift in memories she alone holds
1. Forever Without

Chapter 1: Falling Alone

Queen Thayet paced back and forth around the study room of the suite that she shared with King Jonathan III of Tortall. Her rider uniform was mused from a hard ride she had that day with the trainees. Her crow-black hair swayed in the braid that had come undone from the bun it was curled into that morning. In her hands she played with an amber bracelet that her mother had given her before she had died. Her mother, Kalasin, had jumped out the top of a tower in hope to make a difference to the society of Sarain, which she had succeeded but at a great cost. Thayet stared into the amber depths to loose herself in memories.

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Sitting on the rim of a fountain she swung her feet. Her scarlet silk dress fluttering back into place, only to be lifted up again by her feet. The place was familiar, yet she couldn't place the name of it. Then she remembered she was in the garden where she usually waited for her mother to return from discussions about her marriage that had been going on for two years already. Apparently nobody wanted her to be the Tortall prince's betrothed because of the bad blood in the line.

Although she was waiting for her mother, Buriam Tourakom came instead with a wistful look on her face. She gripped a sealed letter with the insignia of the crown of Sarain. Thayet snatched the letter out of Buri's hand and tore open the seal in terror of what had happened. The letter was written her mother's neat handwriting.

_Thayet, my dear daughter, do not be afraid. I will be in a better_ _place now with Buri's mother and brother by my side. May your heart be at ease, my daughter. I love you with all my heart but I must do this for my people, for our people. My daughter do not forget who you are, who you may be, who you will be. This amber bracelet is for you, a symbol of my love for you dear child. This shall be the end for Kalasin _jian_ Wilima but it is the beginning for Thayet _jian _Wilima so remember dear child of our fond memories and think of the people always. I love you dear child do not forget that._

_Kalasin of the K'miir_

"NO!" Thayet protested. " Why did you let her do this? Give her back to me!" Thayet stamped her feet on the ground and fell. She pounded the dirt with her fist in rage. Calmer, she said, " Bring me to her."

Buri wanted to refuse but she had ordered her not questioned her and although Buri was her bodyguard and could be more frank with her, she could not refuse a royal demand. She took Thayet's hand lightly and led her to the mangled body of her mother that lay at the bottom of the tower. Thayet rushed to her mother's side the moment she saw her. She grasped her mother's hand and she found that it was ice cold. She wept into her mother's hair. Her face buried into her mother's hair she cried her heart out hoping, wishing that her tears would revive her mother. Her father drew her from the body slowly, peeling her grasps on her mother's dress to hand her gently over to Buri who held her mistress tightly as the warlord wept silently for his wife, who was proclaimed to be the most beautiful female in the world. Her face had been saved but her body was at an impossible angle. Her pale yellow dress lay around her crumpled figure. All of the people came to mourn the death of Kalasin _jian_ Wilima. Blood pooled around her figure.

Thayet's hands were covered with blood. She shook with undeniable rage. She turned to her father." You did this to her, you killed her and for that I will never forgive you," she said quietly, her voice distorted with the rage that was silently raging inside her. She stood up, her hair blowing in the wind, turning she stalked off towards the courtyard where she had resided before, waiting for her mother to return only to realize that her mother wouldn't be coming back to her. Her father reached out a hand as if to grab her arm but dropped it when he saw her stiffen.

Buri trailed after her mistress in a silent scuttle. Her eyes flickered back to the warlord who still held out his hand, sub-conscious that his daughter now walked away from him. Buri turned her head back towards the path they now trod on. Thayet's scarlet silks fluttered behind her, occasionally whipping Buri in the face. It seemed like a punishment from Thayet because she didn't tell her that her mother would do this and end her life torturing her mistress'. It was true. She had wanted to, but she could not refuse her former mistress' last request of her. They entered the courtyard and Thayet fell, weeping, to the floor. She looked with tears in her eyes towards the tower and glanced at Buri who came to comfort her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she whispered to Buri. Buri winced at the thought of what Thayet's response would be but once again she had been ordered to answer her.

"My lady," Buri began, " How could I not heed her last request of me? I was not to give you the letter until she had jumped, but I still gave it to you before. Thayet, I- I'm sorry. Kalasin bade me not to tell you her plans. I- I could not refuse her. That _warlord_ you call a father made this place a prison to her. She was taken away from all she had known. He even went to forbid her to ride Pishala just because she was fragile! Intricate! He treated her like she was a prized possession not a human being with feelings! All will remember her, my lady, I know you may choose never to forgive her but she did this for the people. You _father_ would not let them worship our four god, if caught they were tortured and killed," Buri began to weep. " Kalasin could not just stand by and watch her people be slaughtered right before her eyes. Your mother was a brave lady, unafraid to die so she sacrificed herself for the rights of the K'miir and for that I thank her gravely. The people thank her gravely."

Thayet glared at her bodyguard. She hated her mother for what she had done, she'd left her alone in this world full of treacherous people. She hated the world.

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Thayet sank into one of the chairs in the study room. Her grip on the amber bracelet was not tight enough and it slipped out of her fingers and fell to the floor. Red shards were scattered everywhere. She wept piteously. The bracelet which she so treasured, the bracelet she had kept with her from the day her mother had left her for the realms of the dead. Jonathan strode in then. He found Thayet there on the floor, meekly holding the shards weeping.

"What happened? Are you alright? Are you hurt?" he questioned her without a pause between the words.

All Thayet could do as weep. She threw herself at him. Gripping sapphire folds of his tunic in her hands she wept. That was all she could do, that was all she wanted to do, weep.


	2. Drifting in Times Forgotten

Chapter 2: Drifting in times forgotten

Thayet couldn't believe it. The bracelet, which held all her memories, was now shattered on the floor. She would never be able to pick all the pieces up. Jonathan gathered her in his arms. He felt so warm ... she snuggled closer, he held her tighter. He tilted her head towards him so that he could see her face.

"Now," he began slowly, "what is this all about?" He drew her from his body, holding her by her wrists.

She turned from him. Her face blotted with tears. She began to pick up the pieces that she could find. Her hands began to tear from the pieces that were sharp that cut into her skin. Each time they were scratched she winced but continued to pick them up.

Jonathan's hands came into view and they gripped hers like an iron clamp. He turned them around so that he could inspect them. His fingers pressed lightly on hers. Blood fell onto his hands, staining them red. Smaller pieces had gotten into her skin. He grabbed a cup that he'd put on the table the night before when he had been studying maps and put it under her hands. He turned her hands upside down to make all the shards that she had picked up fall into the cup. The sounds of the amber shards falling into the cup were like crystal bells. Tears fell down her cheeks to sound within the cup.

Thayet closed her eyes. 'Crystal bells, crystal bells, why did the sound of crystal bells remind her of something?' she thought to herself, 'they reminded her of … of a distant time, another time that was of before, that was of … of something else. Something forgotten, something … something that was nevermore.

Thayet slunk around the halls of the palace. She drew up the hood of the priest's robe she wore. She put her hands back into the sleeves. The guards at the northern gate turned at the sound of her approach. Their gazes scanned her; the robe of a priest of the Black God's temple discouraged them to search her. She ducked her head lower so they wouldn't see her face for if they did she would definitely be recognized.

The guards came from the two sides of the gate to stand in the center. They crossed their spears to stop her from proceeding.

"Who walks on this earth without the lord's leave?" the guards asked in the traditional manner.

"I am a priest of the Black God. I have my lord's leave," she answered them, holding out a sheet of parchment.

The sheet of parchment was a copy of her father's permit to leave and enter the castle grounds. It was an old piece of parchment, she had chosen it that way because it would seem as if it had been in use for a long time. She had to admit that the forgery was well done. She had taken samples from her father's work from his desk and had practiced his calligraphy for ages preparing for this type of thing. Now, to a person outside of her father's immediate family wouldn't notice the signature was a forgery.

She snorted as she hurried through the streets of the capital at this early hour. _She_ was the _only_ one who was part of her father's immediate family now that her mother had died. A tear began to form in her eye. She wiped at it furiously. Then jammed her hand back into the sleeve of the robe. It wouldn't o for the people to see her hands, which did not have any burns on them as a priest would have as they always burned incense and candles.

When she reached the Black God's temple she stopped at the front steps. She looked up towards the top of the temple where the silver bells rested; they were rung only when a passing of a royal happened. She looked back down quickly it wouldn't do for her to be noticed now. She scurried into the temple. When she entered the temple she drew back her hood. Her hair cascading down the robe, falling to her waistline. She sat down in one of the several chairs that were placed evenly along the walls for those who were on their pilgrimage and needed a rest from walking and standing up. She braided her hair and hummed the morning hymns with the Black God priests who sang. Her voice vibrated in her throat. She stopped humming when a few priests turned to see who was disrupting morning hymns.

She had just finished tying her braid with an emerald silk strip she kept handy in her pocket when a priest with the hood back came up to her. A priest with the hood back meant that the priest was not coming to her on behalf of spiritual meanings. "It's been a long time, Thayet," the priest said, crystal blue eyes glittering.

"Mmm, yes it has hasn't it?" she stood up and walked toward the priest. Halting right before him. "I need your help," she began," I need you to help me get out of here. All the people who think they will get the throne through me won't get it. I need you to make sure I will have a clean get away, make sure that no one follows me and that… that my family will not be harmed." A tear slipped down her cheek and fell to the floor.

"I can do that for you," the priest said, " but –"

"But what?" she said angrily. "What do I have to do" Her tears now flowed freely and fell onto the floor drop after drop they sounded against the floor.

"But you have to know. You have to-to never return to Sarain."

'Never return,' Thayet thought, dumbfounded, 'never see her father again? Her teachers? Her friends? Never to hear the sound of the crystal waterfall play over the rocks? Never to wake to the sound of crystal bells ringing in the morning?' Then a sudden thought came to her. "Buri," she whispered.

The priest, startled, asked her what she was talking about.

"Buri," she said again, this time more loudly. " What about Buri? Will I have to leave her or can she come with me? Will I never see her again too? Answer me!" she shook the priest.

The priest rested his hands on her shoulders. He stilled her and looked into her eyes that were blinded by tears. "It is your choice who you take with you. But you must think of now you will affect then if they come with you, for they too cannot return to Sarain if that happens unless… unless you resign your claim to the throne."

"Do you think I haven't done that?" she screamed at him, all the priests and citizens in the temple turned around to stare at her. When they realized who she was they bowed touching their heads to the floor excluding the priests who had a rank higher than the citizens so that they only had to bow before her. She dismissed them and dragged the priest into a storeroom. She didn't care if they recognized her anymore, the conversation she was having with the priest was more important. Realizing someone was in the storeroom counting stock, she glared at him until they hurried out of the room. When the other had left, Thayet whipped around to stare at the priest once more. "You think that I haven't done that? Huh, I overestimated you. If you won't help me no one will and if you don't help me I will do this myself. I _have_ tried, I have. My father won't let me resign my claim to the throne." She sat down with a thump on a sack of potatoes.

"Oh," the priest said," I'm-I'm sorry, Thayet. I-I didn't know that." He dragged a chair from the accounting desk and sat beside her.

For a while neither of them spoke, sitting in silence. The light from the branch of candles flickered over the walls. Then Thayet spoke, "Will you help me then?"

The priest hesitated, and then his answer came. " Yes, yes I will."

Thayet stood up and dusted herself off, "I won't ever forget you, in the realms of the living or the realms of the dead."

"Neither will I forget you, princess of Sarain. But would you call me just once like you used to?" the priest begged, longing in his eyes.

"Eharih, my dear Eharih," she whispered, hugging the man fiercely. "I will miss you."

"As I will you," Eharih whispered into her hair. Thayet could feel tears running down his cheek, reaching up a hand, she brushed them away. She shushed him and put a finger on his lips and kissed her finger that was on top of his lips. She was forbidden to actually kiss a man unless it was her husband and she was forbidden to have a man kiss her unless it was her betrothed or her husband. Eharih's lip trembled.

"I wish you didn't have to go," he whispered, " I wish that everything was possible, that I could take you away and leave with you but I can't. My father would hunt me down."

"I wish that were possible as well," Thayet told him. She hugged him tightly and leaned her head on his shoulder. She looked up at him as the crystal bells rang above their head. She looked deeply into his eyes and left him standing there as she hurried out of the storeroom.

Stepping out of the temple she drew up the hood once more. The crystal bells tolled above her head. Crystal bells, crystal bells may I never forget you.

She was jolted back to reality. She pushed against Jonathan and screamed as the amber pieces that hadn't been taken out yet logged deeper into her flesh. Jonathan grabbed her hands as she was about to put them against the ground. He pushed all the major veins in her hand to stop the blood flow. She twisted and screamed as pain seared its way up her arm.

Then she stopped screaming, biting her lip until it bled. She looked at Jonathan as he continued to push against the veins.

"Don't touch your hands," Jonathan told her as he gently lifted her up and carried her in his arms towards the infirmary. He faltered and she almost fell. She reached out her hands to try to help him and when she touched him, she screamed in agony as the pieces went deeper into her flesh. Jonathan hushed her. Reaching the infirmary, Jonathan called for Duke Baird to help him. The other healers surged upon them taking Thayet from his arms.

Thayet's eyes began to blur. She drifted in and out of consciousness. Her ears roared and she did not have the strength to raise her hands to her ears to cover them.

Duke Baird arrived and strode toward Thayet.

"Sleep, your highness, sleep," Duke Baird whispered into her ear easing her arms down to her sides as they struggled to bat away the darkness.

She put her arms down and drifted off into sleep, falling into a black oblivion.


	3. Silence

Disclaimer: Sorri I forgot about it before so here it is. I own nothing except this story… kinda. All the charries except for Eharih is hers. Eharih's miiiiiiiine.

Chapter 3: Silence

Three days she spent sleeping. Her hands bandaged but not yet healed. When she awoke she found Jonathan asleep by her side. She lightly touched him with her bandaged hands, biting back a yelp from the pain. Jonathan stirred but did not wake.

Duke Baird came in and saw she was awake. He rushed to her side. Picking up her hands, he un-bandaged them slowly. She winced as some of the threads of the linen bandages stuck in the wounds and had to be pulled out.

"I've taken out all of the amber pieces but they cut very deep. One almost reached one of your major veins." He continued to talk as he bandaged her hands with new linen bandages.

She looked over at Jonathan. He continued to sleep.

Duke Baird saw her line of sight and told her. " Do not disturb him. He has been by your side never resting since you came to the Healer's wing. He never rested until falling asleep at dawn."

She gasped. " He is the king. He should not have done that. He endangers the country by doing that. I know that Roald is of age but he should not endanger himself like that as well. Why didn't you stop him?"

"Royal command," Duke Baird merely stated, leaving emotions out of his voice.

Thayet clamped her mouth shut. She knew that no one in Tortal could argue with a royal command. Not even her, the queen. She sighed. Jonathan could be so hard to deal with when he was stubborn, she knew just how much.

Duke Baird put in her hand a cup. It smelled absolutely vile. The drink was a sea blue. It smelled of sever herbs she could and could not identify. Living up in Sarain she had learned never to question a healer but to just obey them.

She closed her eyes and went back to that day when she was five, before her mother had joined the realms of the dead. Before all her horrors and sorrows swamped her soul.

Giggling, she played with the water in the fountain. Butterflies flitted around her, flirting with the wind. Her mother laughed as she tried to catch the butterflies. Buri stood nearby watching everything with wary eyes.

Thayet tripped and fell. She wailed as her knew, which was skinned, began to bleed. Kalasin rushed over and kneeled down. Crimson skirts billowing around her, protesting this movement. Kalasin hushed Thayet and called Buri to carry Princess Thayet to the healers.

The healers looked at Thayet's wound. She waved her fists at them when they tried to touch the wound. Kalasin smacked her lightly on the head. Thayet rubbed her head and glared lightly at her mother.

The healers proceeded. Thayet made not a sound and obeyed whatever the healer bid of her. If she protested in any way Kalasin would smack her lightly on the head if she said anything or lightly on the arm, if she pushed against a healer's hands.

She looked at Duke Baird who bid her to drink the vile smelling liquid.

She gulped the stuff down and fell immediately back to sleep.


End file.
